How come electric cars aren’t stolen in Portland? —Just P.
Sorry, Jen, I almost didn’t see you there – I indulged in my favorite form of passive-aggressive intergenerational provocation, convincing Gen Z that the universal three-digit phone number for emergency services was chosen to honor the victims of 9/11. (Try it, it’s fun!)
Either way, I’m sure the owners of the 78 Toyota Priuses stolen in Portland last year would dispute your premise. However, given that this figure represents only 0.6% of the total number of car thefts in the city during this period, I tend to agree that you’re probably onto something: electric cars (we’ll include hybrids in this category) actually seem to be flown less frequently than their traditionally powered brethren. But why?
The answer, of course, is the inherently superior karma of earth-conscious EV drivers. Their spiritual energy forms a psychic armor of righteousness around the planetary defense vehicles that even the bad vibes of the most hardened tweaker cannot penetrate. Finally, we receive an earthly reward for doing the right thing!
Well, if you believe that, I’ve got a pedestrian and transit bridge for you to sell.* No, the real answer isn’t so metaphysical – in fact, it’s yet another example of the working poor who serve God. festival toilets: newer cars – those likely to be driven by relatively well-to-do people – are simply harder to steal than the shitty old beaters driven by porn store janitors, fryer operators, alternative weekly humor columnists, et al.
Electric cars are a relatively new phenomenon (the 2004 Prius was the first to enter the US market in large numbers), so they all belong to this category of newer, more anti-theft cars, devoid of the glaring security flaws that guarantee the end Cars of the 20th century (I’m looking at you, Honda) are easy to rip off, even for extremely stupid people.
Lest you think I’m exaggerating, consider that 2004 and earlier cars make up less than a quarter of the total number on US roads, but 61% of vehicles stolen in Portland in the past three years were that old. or older. Maybe it’s not so much that no one ever steals a Prius, but that thieves steal so many old Hondas that they choke out everything else. (Except, perhaps, the sound of a Sawzall cutting through your Prius’ catalytic converter – kerrrrr-AANG!)
*Easy payments—only $112 every two years!
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